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Post by Chris_Sav on Sept 29, 2006 22:54:41 GMT
Subject: Fw: The Washcloth, Funny from the female point of view!!!
The Washcloth..............Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There isn’t a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it." NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR EVER!!!!!
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Post by milhouse on Sept 30, 2006 17:24:30 GMT
Well in view of his impending absence, here's a Milhouse standard joke If you want me to start with the bad jokes, just say..... ???
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Post by Sparky on Sept 30, 2006 18:54:14 GMT
Well in view of his impending absence, here's a Milhouse standard joke If you want me to start with the bad jokes, just say..... ??? Noooooo please no, if they were the good ones ;D ;D
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Post by davejones on Sept 30, 2006 20:19:29 GMT
WOMAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I Just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else... I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 29th April 2006.
Rooney’s probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then; gutted! Got a shag though.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 9:49:34 GMT
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave, you're a vet."
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Post by milhouse on Oct 2, 2006 9:54:29 GMT
Scouse vasectomy....... After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,as they could not afford a larger bed. So the Husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in other parts of the county ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 11:42:26 GMT
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken"!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 11:43:38 GMT
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
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beefy
Distinguished Member
T
Posts: 753
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Post by beefy on Oct 2, 2006 13:07:53 GMT
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you " "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour" "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that? "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" Nice one ! I can't see Volkswagen or Audi ever using this in an advert though !
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Post by milhouse on Oct 2, 2006 13:10:04 GMT
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, and it says here that he was 95 when he died!" Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." Come on, you must have laughed at this one ??? :o :o
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Post by fazza on Oct 2, 2006 13:32:26 GMT
We desperately need to start a campaign to find Mark a much more demanding job, before we all go up the wall.
Meanwhile, to show that we have other things to worry about in Northampton, I have a bona fide photograph of a direction sign outside Northampton General Hospital which says:
Family Planning Advice: use rear entrance
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Post by milhouse on Oct 2, 2006 13:55:21 GMT
We desperately need to start a campaign to find Mark a much more demanding job, before we all go up the wall. Thanks Pete, if you can find me a new job paying more than 35k, that would be great, thanks :)
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Post by fazza on Oct 2, 2006 13:58:25 GMT
We desperately need to start a campaign to find Mark a much more demanding job, before we all go up the wall. Thanks Pete, if you can find me a new job paying more than 35k, that would be great, thanks :) You should actually keep that one if it pays 35k, and I could job-share because I would be happy with half that right now.
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Lolly
Distinguished Member
Chris Lawman
Posts: 578
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Post by Lolly on Oct 2, 2006 13:59:59 GMT
Meanwhile, to show that we have other things to worry about in Northampton, I have a bona fide photograph of a direction sign outside Northampton General Hospital which says: Family Planning Advice: use rear entrance www.flickr.com/photos/34527168@N00/258571118/Paste the whole link into the browser.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 14:20:17 GMT
Thanks Pete, if you can find me a new job paying more than 35k, that would be great, thanks :) There's one going at the K Shoe Shop in Northampton which pays very well: ten pounds an hour for taking all the Hush Puppies for a walk. ;D
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Post by davejones on Oct 2, 2006 20:01:53 GMT
Terrorism At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public schoolteacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
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Post by Sparky on Oct 2, 2006 20:49:02 GMT
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 22:08:59 GMT
A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now! I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have had my way with you roughly from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it. Because when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he even gets his pants down." "Call me back and tell me what happened." The friend says.
An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.
The lady said, "The *****er had it all in 50p's"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2006 22:10:13 GMT
Breeding bulls
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You really COULD learn something from this one."
THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, ' GO UP AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH THE SAME COW."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2006 12:28:53 GMT
Recent discussions on the percentage makeup of a good player have prompted the following synopsis :
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all had people wanting us to give over 100% How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life?
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21++4+5=100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you way over the top!!
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Oct 3, 2006 13:41:57 GMT
T - A - R - T - P - O - I - N - T - S 20+1+18+20+16+15+9+14+20+19 = 152
I'll add them on for you Tommo ;D
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Post by milhouse on Oct 3, 2006 14:01:30 GMT
T - A - R - T - P - O - I - N - T - S 20+1+18+20+16+15+9+14+20+19 = 152 I'll add them on for you Tommo ;D LOL quality :D
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Post by milhouse on Oct 3, 2006 14:02:33 GMT
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F****ING DEAD
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2006 14:10:20 GMT
T - A - R - T - P - O - I - N - T - S 20+1+18+20+16+15+9+14+20+19 = 152 I'll add them on for you Tommo ;D LOL quality :D Indeed, PMSL ;D :o :-[
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Post by milhouse on Oct 3, 2006 14:17:12 GMT
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'.....I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!" ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2006 14:30:09 GMT
This is spooky !
I have discovered quite by chance, Mick, that yourself and Roo Hare both total 80% :
M I C K L O A K E 13+9+3+11 12+15+1+11+5 = 80
R O O H A R E 18+15+15 8+1+18+5 = 80
Whereas Massive2 and Jel both total 91% :
J A S O N N E A L 10+1+19+15+14 14+5+1+12 = 91
I A N J E L L I S 9+1+14 10+5+12+12+9+19 = 91
Even stranger, if you add Mr Kipling (109) to Jel or Jase, and divide by 2, it comes to exactly 100%.
M R K I P L I N G 13+18 11+9+16+12+9+14+7 = 109
;D
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2006 15:05:35 GMT
In an attempt to match Milhouse for quality :
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Post by milhouse on Oct 3, 2006 15:05:52 GMT
Another spooky one................
Johnny George 10+15+8+14+14+25+7+5+15+18+7+5=143
Pete Farrelly 16+5+20+5+6+1+18+18+5+12+12+25=143
:-X :-X :-X
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Post by fazza on Oct 4, 2006 6:07:17 GMT
You'd better include the R from now on. Just call me PETER.....
I am not competitive at all
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Post by fazza on Oct 4, 2006 6:37:17 GMT
Isn't it nice to have this chance to re-live some of these old chestnuts:
Mario is in England for only 6 months. He walks 2 miles to work every day and passes a shoe store. Every day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes and he wants them so much.
Within about 2 months he has saved up £250 and buys them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement and Mario seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia is slightly startled and replies, "Yes, Mario, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Mario answers, "I see the reflection in my new £250 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Mario, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new £250 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Mario asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Mario, I wear no panties tonight."
Mario gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a SPLIT in my new £250 Boccelli leather shoes!"
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