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Post by mrmike007 on Oct 27, 2006 21:23:15 GMT
Why are Northants Sheep pens round? so the Sheep can't hide in the corners.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2006 21:34:31 GMT
You won't get a reaction tonight Mr 007, as the Northants are usually out on he pi$$ on a Friday night, but woe betide you in the morning ! ;D
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Post by mrmike007 on Oct 27, 2006 21:45:45 GMT
A few month back there was an interesting trial in a Northants Court. A man being tried for fornicating with a sheep. The key witness was an old man who was walking along the road by the farm where the offence supposedly took place. The prosecuter ask what the witness saw. "well i was walking along the road and saw this sheep eating grass,and then this guy walked up behind the sheep quietly, unbuckled his belt, dropped his jeans and pulled the sheep real close" "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. "Well" said the witness, "they sort of shook for a couple of minutes, then afterwards the sheep turned around and licked the guy! I never saw anything like that in my life." Just then one of the jurors whispered to the juror next to him "you know a good Northants sheep will do that...."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2006 22:17:51 GMT
He's really pushing it ! And his mum comes from Lincs which could explain a lot..............
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Post by fazza on Oct 28, 2006 6:30:14 GMT
Why are Northants Sheep pens round? so the Sheep can't hide in the corners. I wish to disassociate myself from these comments!
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Oct 28, 2006 13:15:48 GMT
Double Tart points for Mr Bond :P Meanwhile have you heard of the Surrey sheep pen :D When you've finished writing with it you can turn it upside down and the fleece slides off to reveal a picture of a naked sheep :o :o :o
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2006 11:53:27 GMT
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. " Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. Two...once in a while I like to play with my money. Three... I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly ... instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely in hospital...
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Post by davejones on Nov 12, 2006 20:18:56 GMT
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f#@*$&g funeral director would be my guess."
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Post by Sparky on Nov 13, 2006 15:01:22 GMT
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly !!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2006 10:46:35 GMT
Mentions of Jock bring the following to mind...........
Occasionally, just occasionally, a real gem arrives: Scotland the Brave..
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
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Lolly
Distinguished Member
Chris Lawman
Posts: 578
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Post by Lolly on Nov 15, 2006 10:51:34 GMT
McCartney v. McCartney It's a world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic. News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped" "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy for her to walk out on a relationship like this" After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we just called her Heather. It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on. Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over". Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless" Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. ___________________________________________________ A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f----ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney" ___________________________________________________ Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2006 12:23:18 GMT
This all started from a perfectly innocent question from Johnny yesterday :
Yesterday at 3:00pm, Sav wrote: Lost the toss and had a big break shoved up me in a one-legger for the sixth time in the last seven years. If you want to badge it as a World Championship, players should have equal chances. Johnny George replied: Do you only have one leg then ?
;D ;D ;D
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Post by davejones on Nov 15, 2006 20:28:46 GMT
Subject: FW: Martians
This made me chuckle!! x
The year is 2222 and Bob and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Bob asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally,Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and
just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite
impressively long..
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still
narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walked along, Bob asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How
about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She
kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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Post by fazza on Nov 16, 2006 15:39:41 GMT
So anyway, poor John is a bit fed up with his marriage/life in general and decides that he wants to buy some sort of unusual pet for company in the dark winter nights.
He hasn't got much money left as his wife spends all his salary every week.
He walks around a petshop and finally sees a lovely parrot with really long green fur in a cage in the corner. He walks towards it and John hears a voice say in perfectly understandable English: "Oh, at last, some interest. How are you John?"
John looks round, thinking a friend must have walked into the shop, but then realises it is the parrot speaking.
"Was that you? How did you know my name?" he asks.
"Well, I have some unique attributes and one is that I can read your mind. I happen to know that you are looking for a pet for company as your marriage is in trouble and you are lonely."
John is stunned and simply cannot believe it, but the parrot continues: "I would make a perfect companion for you. I used to live in Scotland where you were born, but my owner, a chap called Lorin Clough, sold me when he moved to Lincolnshire. I happen to know you play a game called bar billiards. Well I used to be owned by a chap called Chris Saville who tried to store a lot of those blessed tables, but he had to sell me when he simply had no room any more. I thought he may sell his motorbike instead, but no chance!"
John really thought he was dreaming as the parrot continued: "I really would be an asset to you. I can hold a conversation in virtually any classical subject as I once belonged to Clive Thompson and he taught me so much."
"Hold on" interrupted John, "I cannot possibly afford this £200 price tag on your cage. It may be a bargain but it is too much!"
The parrot started whispering; "I like you John, so I will let you into a secret. I am disabled and you could therefore offer any price to the shop owner and he would surely accept, just to be rid of me"
"What do you mean, disabled?" asks John, starting to get even more intrigued with the conversation but still expecting to wake up at any minute.
"Well, I have no legs"
John is unbelieving at first; "That cannot be true, how would you be able to sit on that perch without legs?"
The parrot confides in John that he actually has to wrap his willy round the perch to be able to hang on, and that is why he has really long fur to protect his modesty.
John finally takes pity on the parrot and offers the shopowner £25. To his amazement, this is accepted and the parrot becomes a big family friend.
Six months later, John's marriage has not improved and he returns home late one evening to the usual grunts from his wife and visits the parrot in his cage for a more comforting welcome.
The parrot does not appear to be pleased to see John after all. "I really do not want to tell you this mate, he says, but I have some bad news for you and must tell you as we have become really good friends over the last six months, haven't we?"
John fears the worst and asks what is wrong.
The parrot slowly reveals that the postman had knocked on the door that morning and was greeted by John's wife in a very revealing nightdress.
"Oh no!" John sighed, "Then what happened?"
"Well they greeted each other very fondly and he started lifting the nightdress slowly!"
"Oh no!!" John sighed, "Then what happened?"
"Well then he started kissing her all over from a kneeling position!"
"Oh no!!!" John sighed, "Then what happened?"
"Sorry I cannot tell you anymore"
"Come on, I must know, I can take it!"
"I am sorry, John, I really cannot tell you"
"You must!"
"Sorry, I cannot, because by then I had a terrible hard on and fell off my perch!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2006 15:51:18 GMT
Quality. ;D 8-)
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Post by fazza on Nov 17, 2006 7:49:12 GMT
I shortened it a bit though. The parrot had spent a lot of time in Cambridge too!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2006 10:51:44 GMT
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now! Tell him you have a headache!"
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Post by fazza on Nov 17, 2006 13:54:16 GMT
I tried that myself a few years ago. How did you know?
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Post by milhouse on Nov 23, 2006 10:34:03 GMT
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
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Post by milhouse on Nov 23, 2006 10:34:39 GMT
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2006 10:57:37 GMT
That quality sheep joke should get you off the mark for next year's Kipling awards ! ;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2006 13:49:30 GMT
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was " TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu .
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting' went Met three whores in a pop-up tent They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .
The old aboriginal won. !!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2006 11:44:00 GMT
An executive decided to take a vacation to "get away from it all" for a while. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean" he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2007 9:41:15 GMT
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
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Post by barbelman on Jan 6, 2007 14:05:56 GMT
A bloke walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the bar billiards table, grabs the red ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The landlord screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the red ball off my bar billiards table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. "I'll pay for the red ball and the other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out, and eats it. The landlord is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the customer. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bottom, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the landlord. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the customer. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that red ball he measures everything first!"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2007 15:56:21 GMT
THE GOLFER
On their honeymoon the new husband said to his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about... I'm a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just narrow your stance a little and overlap your grip, swing through the ball, and that should clear it right up."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2007 16:56:14 GMT
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire-truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions fucking wrong......".
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Post by milhouse on Jan 24, 2007 17:14:05 GMT
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't you f***ing idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike ?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice
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Post by milhouse on Jan 24, 2007 17:15:20 GMT
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again.." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2007 17:53:17 GMT
Nice one, Milhouse, you been saving these up ? Whilst on the subject of golf...............
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large coloured gentleman reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said,"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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