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Post by Nick (Barnett) (R.I.P.) on Mar 7, 2007 16:11:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2007 15:23:52 GMT
“Our first winter in our new Scottish Highlands home”
Dec 20th It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy, soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.
Dec 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal-white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and bush is covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled the snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day, a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose. They then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun. It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway clear again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.
Jan 1st It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought some snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to the doctor but nothing was broken.
Jan 5th Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4 x 4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles now covered in salt and iced-up slush. That ba$tard snowplough came by twice yesterday. Where’s that bl**dy shovel ?
Jan 9th More fecking snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
Jan 13th Effing white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little pr!ck’s ar$e it’ll take a surgeon a good few hours to find it. If I ever catch the ar$ehole that drives the snowplough, I’ll chew open his chest and rip his heart out with my teeth. I think the ba$tard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael fecking Schumacher and buries the driveway again.
Jan 17th 16 more sodding inches of fecking snow and fecking ice and fecking sleet and God knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months' time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't feel or move my fecking toes. Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20 degrees and more fecking snow forecast.
SOD THIS, - I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !
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Post by davejones on Mar 14, 2007 21:03:35 GMT
Urgent Bulletin * * * Urgent Bulletin * * * Urgent Bulletin * * * Be on the Lookout! We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended. BinSleepin, BinLoofin, BinGoofin, BinLunchin, BinDrinkin and BinButtkissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member BinWorkin, has been found. We are confident that anyone who looks like he’s BinWorkin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time. So keep doing what you have Bin Doing!
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Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Mar 17, 2007 16:01:07 GMT
Benefits of Viagra A little 90 year old lady goes to the doctors and asks the Doctor for Viagra for her husband.
The doctor is surprised that a 90 year old lady is still interested in sex (or even that her husband is bothered too) and explains to her that Viagra now comes in 3 strengths.
"There's 25% strength that we normally prescribe to people with mild erection problems. For your husband, it will give him a semi hard on. Then there is 50% strength viagra for people who generally can't get a hard on and this will give your husband a good hard on. The 100% viagra is for those people with no sex function and will give your husband a hard on like a bar of steel."
Without hesitating, the old lady says "Give me the 25% strength".
The doctor is intrigued and asks "Do you think this will get him hard enough to have sex with you?".
"Oh. I don't want to have sex with him - I just want to stop him pi**ing on his slippers all the time".
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Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Mar 17, 2007 21:30:27 GMT
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ____________________________________________ ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily , he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" ____________________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have fun with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ____________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2007 12:56:48 GMT
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his bum cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and bum and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2007 10:04:44 GMT
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2007 14:37:52 GMT
The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
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Post by Sparky on Mar 22, 2007 22:05:10 GMT
Well Really!
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jack. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know What I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jack
*EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jack died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jack somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
[EDIT] Name changed back at the request of one of the local moderators - Sav.
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Post by Chris_Sav on Mar 23, 2007 13:47:26 GMT
There has been some flack over the previous bit of humour, from an apparently easily offended reader.
Let me make it clear that Sparky posted the original joke, but as can be seen by the 'edited by Sav' I changed the name to Pete.
This was done in fun after several ales at midnight and I make no apology for a bit of harmless inuendo.
Sav.
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Post by milhouse on Mar 23, 2007 16:29:37 GMT
There has been some flack over the previous bit of humour, from an apparently easily offended reader. Let me make it clear that Sparky posted the original joke, but as can be seen by the 'edited by Sav' I changed the name to Pete. This was done in fun after several ales at midnight and I make no apology for a bit of harmless inuendo. Sav. A bit of harmless inuendo to you maybe, but maybe not to other people! especially after what has gone on on this forum over the past few months........
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Post by Colemanator on Mar 23, 2007 16:49:35 GMT
Having known Pete for longer than most on here I would guess that he may have seen the funny side with his self confessed 'warped sense of humour'
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2007 18:45:46 GMT
A bit of harmless inuendo to you maybe, but maybe not to other people! especially after what has gone on on this forum over the past few months........ Millhouse you can't protect Pete forever, it was fun, he does have his share of fun too. Relax
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2007 11:32:34 GMT
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to you!)
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Post by davejones on Mar 26, 2007 14:45:34 GMT
WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them
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Post by Lord Cheeky on Mar 26, 2007 15:41:40 GMT
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
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Post by Chunky Monkey on Mar 30, 2007 13:50:03 GMT
Driving to work this morning on the M25 motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (andthis coming from a bloke....)
so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs,
causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth,
ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. Fucking Women Drivers!!!!!!!
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Josie
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Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Apr 11, 2007 15:40:31 GMT
The Blonde In The Casino
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2007 18:51:04 GMT
Ba da bing!!!
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Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Apr 13, 2007 15:44:19 GMT
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "It really works."
"Not a chance," says she. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"No problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" he asked.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"I don't understand," said the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" ;D
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Josie
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Post by Josie on Apr 19, 2007 8:52:12 GMT
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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Josie
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Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Apr 19, 2007 14:57:00 GMT
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
The father replied, "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2007 9:11:38 GMT
Matt was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding Anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow Morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Matt got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift- wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Matt has been missing since Friday !
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CraigC
Distinguished Member
Posts: 765
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Post by CraigC on Apr 23, 2007 13:20:05 GMT
A young lady and her boyfriend have been out to the pub. It's very late, and as they leave it begins to rain. The last bus has gone, so the young man asks if he can stop over at the young lady's house. "OK" she says, but my Mum and Dad will be in bed, so you'll have to be very, very quiet - my dad would go nuts if he knew i'd been out so late and that you were sleeping in my room".
They get to the house, and creep in the back door. "I need to use the toilet" says the young man. "The bathroom is right next to my Mum and Dad's bedroom!" says the young lady, "you'll wake them up. You'll just have to use the kitchen sink".
She waits in the hall for him. After a couple of minutes, he pops his head around the door and whispers... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Have you got any paper?"
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Post by milhouse on Apr 24, 2007 8:17:31 GMT
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was Standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last Time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care Ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it Works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply Eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is Nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now Enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition Because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my Balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so Hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2007 9:25:37 GMT
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered:
(Continue below - This is great) v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v "THE TEETH."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2007 9:47:17 GMT
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".
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Post by mickthehammer on Apr 25, 2007 23:25:10 GMT
a Friend of mine was in a pub when he pulled a cracking 57 year old woman. they drank and smooched most of the evening, She then asked him if he had ever had a mother, daughter threesome, my friend replied no.. they continued to drink for a while longer then the woman said well this is your lucky night!!! they went back to hers and started smooching on the sofa. suddenly she got up from the sofa and said are you ready? felling his bulging jeans he replied yes to which she said wait here while I wake Mother up???? ;D ;D ;D
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Josie
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Posts: 365
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Post by Josie on Apr 27, 2007 8:40:27 GMT
This one's really for the Northants guys . . . One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!" He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!! Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Apr 27, 2007 8:48:24 GMT
Josie in Northants we'd have done that without the blindfold ::) We're not shy :D
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