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Post by davejones on Nov 9, 2020 21:59:45 GMT
Pfizer the maker of new the Covid vaccination and Viagra are to change their advertising to : Pfizer - for the hard times and the soft times.
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Post by davejones on Nov 9, 2020 22:02:00 GMT
Can’t believe I got fired on my very first day as a signwirter.
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Post by davejones on Nov 13, 2020 21:29:24 GMT
Not so much Dominic Cummings as Dominic Goings
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Post by davejones on Nov 13, 2020 21:57:19 GMT
I had a man from the TV Licence people at the front door this morning asking if I had a TV? I said "No." He said: "You must have, there is an Aerial on the roof." I said: "There is milk in the fridge but I don't have a Cow in the house...."
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Post by davejones on Nov 14, 2020 21:47:51 GMT
A young lady from London has almost drowned after accidentally falling into a massive vat of pancake mix earlier today.
Fortunately, she was rescued and is now recovering in a home for battered women.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 15, 2020 9:24:22 GMT
Yesterday was such a bad day... First I got into fight with a guy dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.
It just went from bard to wurst.
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Post by davejones on Nov 15, 2020 21:19:59 GMT
Biden team apparently trying to gather Trump intelligence.
If you're searching for Trump intelligence, you might as well also search for unicorns, dragons, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and God (I'm only throwing him in because his book mentions unicorns and dragons).
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Post by davejones on Nov 16, 2020 20:35:08 GMT
I won a ticket to a celebrity livestock auction not long ago, anyway I bought a lovely little lamb as a pet for my daughter. As I was looking around with it under my arm I couldn't believe I saw Boris Johnson talking to Joaquin Phoenix, turned out to be quite sociable chaps so I pushed my luck and asked for a picture to which they agreed. I couldn't believe it,
there I was, clown to the left of me, joker to the right, there I was stuck in the middle with ewe.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 19, 2020 21:01:15 GMT
I'm working on a book about hurricanes and tornados.... at the moment it's just a draft.
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Post by davejones on Nov 19, 2020 21:09:33 GMT
Why don't cows wear shoes?
Because they lactose.
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Post by davejones on Nov 22, 2020 21:16:35 GMT
Cengiz Under who plays for Leicester City, isn't the only sportsman in his family.
His brother Uppan is famous in the world of Rugby.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 23, 2020 7:27:33 GMT
When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 when I realised I’d been fostered.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 23, 2020 19:47:52 GMT
Rest in peace boiled water
You will be mist
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Post by davejones on Nov 23, 2020 19:57:04 GMT
Since critics savaged his first Covid themed Christmas song.
Robbie Williams has another go. This time singing about how “I’m loving hand gel instead,”
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Post by davejones on Nov 23, 2020 21:42:35 GMT
I walked up to the counter at Screwfix and said.. "do you have a bleeding valve for a radiator?" The assistant replied.. "not with that attitude sir."
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 24, 2020 18:07:59 GMT
As a kid, I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked.
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Post by davejones on Nov 24, 2020 20:14:55 GMT
I want to know; if Jack Grealish was 'falling down drunk ', how would anyone tell?.
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Post by davejones on Nov 27, 2020 20:16:39 GMT
The press are reporting that a group of Russian Hackers are demanding $20 million from Manchester United or they will release online embarrasing information about the club.
Like the name of the person who signed off a 5 year contract extension for Phil Jones..
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2020 20:06:26 GMT
Sad to hear that Pins & Needles magazine has folded due to poor circulation.
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Post by davejones on Nov 29, 2020 20:26:53 GMT
Man Utd were so poor in the first 45 minutes, they all had a free school meal delivered in the interval.
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Post by davejones on Nov 29, 2020 20:37:47 GMT
Elton John had a narrow escape on the beach yesterday when he got caught in a sudden storm, he was lucky to have only lost only his footwear in a seventy mile an hour gust.
Witnesses said it was like a sandal in the wind.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Nov 30, 2020 14:26:32 GMT
2020 really has been a crap year
I just knew in would end in tiers
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Dec 1, 2020 12:43:23 GMT
I'm Finally over my obsession with Phil Collins. So take a look at me now.. 😊
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Post by davejones on Dec 1, 2020 20:51:26 GMT
Ive just been kicked out of a flat earth society meeting.
I stood up and asked if this covid pandemic had pushed any of them over the edge yet?
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Dec 2, 2020 6:39:00 GMT
Elvis has been spotted in Wickes
He had Returned a Sander
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2020 0:21:45 GMT
ENTER YOUR NEW PASSWORD:
'chicken'
PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN A CAPITAL:
'chickenkiev'
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Post by davejones on Dec 4, 2020 20:11:22 GMT
I see that the new vaccine has to be stored at minus 70 degrees.
I suppose there's now a worldwide scramble to invent the first hypothermic needle.
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Post by davejones on Dec 5, 2020 22:21:26 GMT
Napoli are to rename their stadium after Diego Maradona.
Home games will now be played at 'The Coke Snorting Cheat Stadium'
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Post by barbelman on Dec 7, 2020 9:58:21 GMT
Everyone loves reading your jokes but any of them which any of the moderators feel is a bit near the knuckle will be deleted without warning OR explanation.
These may include, but are not exclusive to, homophobic, racist, offensive or overtly sexual jokes.
Thanks for your cooperation
Tony (aka The Grinch)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2020 12:51:06 GMT
These may include, but are not exclusive to, homophobic, racist, offensive or overtly sexual jokes. ......... and political ?
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