Joke of the day

Please post your jokes on this one thread to make life easy for the administrators.

George Bush and one of his key advisors sit down in the staff restaurant in the west wing of the White House. The waitress comes over and asks for their order. The key advisor asked for Lamb with mint. Bush after a lot of hard thought, looks the waitress up and down and says, "I'd really like a quickie"

The waitress, stunned by what she's just heard, stammers, "excuse me!?" Bush repeats himself louder, "I'd really like a quickie!" The waitress slaps him across the face screaming and raving about how she thought work would be better without Clinton sneaking in to the staff room, but clearly America chooses its perverts carefully.

She is quickly shot down by secret service men, and as they are covering over the body, the key advisor leans over and whispers in Bush's ear:

v
v
v
v
"I Believe that's pronounced quiche sir."

[The Bullet]

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!!!!!
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl it is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!” he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sit's in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?" He roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****G PORRIDGE YET!!!

[milhouse]

A beer before it starts..................

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started." ;D ;D ;D

[milhouse]

TOP TIPS........ ;D

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stards.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment rom the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Horror film directors - need zombies for extras? Don't waste money on expensive make-up /studio time. Just be in Gatwick Arrivals and film the passengers off the Sydney charter flight.

Better than your normal standard, Mr Stretford End.
Some really handy tips there. The one about the Rodeo works especially well if you call her by the name of her sister. ;D

[milhouse]

tommo said:

Better than your normal standard, Mr Stretford End.
Some really handy tips there. The one about the Rodeo works especially well if you call her by the name of her sister. ;D

Thanks, are you speaking from personal experience ? ;) ;D

milhouse said:

Thanks, are you speaking from personal experience ? ;) ;D

:-X

The high blood pressure one - did you know that used seriously as a remedy in the Middle Ages ? The barber shop used to offer the service, hence the red and white striped pole outside. Red for blood and white for the bandages.

[milhouse]

You must all find this one funny, surely ??? :D

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[petem]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he was devastated at losing such an important part of himself . But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you,I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £200 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £10 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Lolly]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an intercontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly......he in the upper bunk, she in the lower. At 1.00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you. But would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own #@%&*%#@ blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.


A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[Lord Cheeky]

23 people have been found stuck to a train at a Dublin station, police have just confirmed that it was the irsh muslims atempt at a 'no more nalis bomb'

Those jokes are rather naughty, Lolly.
But no more than one should expect from someone who makes a point of going to Tampa for their holidays. ;D

[Sparky]

MOUSE BALLS I don't know how they wrote this with a
straight face....

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its
employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a
computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences:

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an
unhappy customer.

Not a lotta people know this.

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?'"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls. "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[milhouse]

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

[milhouse]

OK, ok, here is one that surely everyone will like and laugh at !!! ;D

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows sod all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?" ;D ;D ;D

[Lolly]

tommo said:

Those jokes are rather naughty, Lolly.
But no more than one should expect from someone who makes a point of going to Tampa for their holidays. ;D

Holiday.......HOLIDAY........how dare you! It was work, honest! ::)

Oh yeah, forgot to add.......going back to Florida again in 2 weeks 8-) Work again.........I hate my job! ;D

[jel]

dont suppose you could stay there until after we have played you lot chris ;) ;D

[Lolly]

Shhhhhhh, dont tell triplex, cause I not told him yet, but yes, I miss our match! :(

[jel]

as if i would ;) now where did i put my phone ;D

[Herr von Puebik]

If you've been drinking it's on the back table in the Cons :P if you haven't gone out and are sober the kids have got it ;D

[milhouse]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners. :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D

[Lolly]

A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."

When asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." ::) ::) ::) :-X

[milhouse]

Just one more before i leave for the weekend............ :'(

Did you hear about the New Zealand farmer who thought he had an STD ?

It turns out that he was just allergic to wool ;D ;D ;D ;D

Good night one and all :-* :-* ;D ;D

Well in view of his impending absence, here's a Milhouse standard
joke :

Door to door salesman comes knocking on Little Billys' door.

Little Billy answers the door.

The salesman is agog when he sees the 11 year old at the door wearing stockings, suspenders and a basque, chomping on a big cigar with a large brandy in his hand.

The salesman asks, "Is your mummy in?"

Little Billy says, "Does it f**king look like it ?"

[Sparky]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well... :-)

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Sparky]

News from Formula 1

The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Sparky]

Another in the Millhouse absence:

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's fuckin' perfect".

The Boss

The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."

Here's a topical one (as we've just had the Ryder Cup):

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are at an event together.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."