|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 7, 2007 15:54:26 GMT
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" :-X
|
|
|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 7, 2007 16:07:56 GMT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" ;D
|
|
|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 8, 2007 20:39:42 GMT
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads." 8-)
|
|
|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 8, 2007 20:44:01 GMT
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass
|
|
|
Post by davejones on Jun 16, 2007 19:31:03 GMT
CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
(You're going to love this....................)
scroll down
keep going..........
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
|
|
|
Post by davejones on Jun 17, 2007 21:02:12 GMT
What to do for your 50th Anniversary
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well,spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
|
|
|
Post by milhouse on Jun 18, 2007 13:02:06 GMT
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD MEN AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." "A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2007 14:48:07 GMT
One for Jock ;D (Scottish History Lesson)
The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow .
Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Murray thinks, "Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle!"
Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said.'we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"
Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss"
Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin."
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"
Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
"Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F*** DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss."
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jun 28, 2007 16:13:12 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT[/glow]
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day for a year, by the time we have consumed our 365th litre we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we will have consumed 1 kilo of shite! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = SHITE
WINE/BEER = HEALTH
Free yourself of shite, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk s**t than to drink water and be full of it!
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.
|
|
|
Post by milhouse on Jul 5, 2007 7:48:06 GMT
MISSING!!! -
ROUND YELLOW THING USUALLY FLOATS AROUND IN THE SKY!!! ANSWERS TO THE NAME ''SUN'' IF U SEE HIM TELL HIM IT'S F*****G JULY!!!
|
|
|
Post by milhouse on Jul 5, 2007 7:49:05 GMT
***NEWSFLASH***
Sol Campbell has re-signed for Tottenham.
He heard their strikers are Bent and Keane.......
|
|
|
Post by Sir Chancelot on Jul 6, 2007 22:45:02 GMT
Sven is the new manager of Manchester City. The words p**s up in a brewery come to mind. Ulrican they will get relegated this Swedeson.
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jul 7, 2007 18:11:17 GMT
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jul 7, 2007 18:39:58 GMT
Football anyone?
Two 90-year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike-Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike-it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe, insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
>"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?" > > > > > > > > > > "You're playing Tuesday."
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jul 7, 2007 21:32:36 GMT
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see The Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. Dopey my son," says the Pope "what can I do for You?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and Answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers Dopey: "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf Nuns Anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"
|
|
|
Post by Sir Chancelot on Jul 8, 2007 8:03:17 GMT
It is the year 2019. Romeo Beckham has just signed professional terms with his father's old club Manchester United. Seeking some advice from his father on what shirt to wear, he asks Dad for his advice. After several minutes thought David turns to his son and says "Wear four out there Romeo".
|
|
|
Post by Sparky on Jul 12, 2007 16:34:40 GMT
Quick Check for Alzheimer's
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet' you cannot resist passing it on.
|
|
|
Post by Herr von Puebik on Jul 13, 2007 8:21:05 GMT
Hmmph :-/ Alzheimers for me then ???
|
|
|
Post by ladyh on Jul 13, 2007 11:04:49 GMT
(Me thinks this is on par with 'Man Flu' ;))
Golf Injury
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony..
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great ... but my thumb still hurts like hell."
|
|
|
Post by Sparky on Jul 13, 2007 17:11:40 GMT
Thanks Lady H ROFLMAO
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2007 17:34:29 GMT
Yes, Lady H's joke was definitely a good 'un. I might use that tactic myself one day ! ;) ;D
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2007 13:43:09 GMT
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
(you'll love this one...................)
v v v v v
'Mop and bucket, Till 5
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2007 22:02:22 GMT
Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from?
Jason's Donner Van
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 9:44:54 GMT
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,
"WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 10:52:13 GMT
Very good, tommo. I liked it.
|
|
|
Post by hon Vice President on Jul 17, 2007 13:15:44 GMT
Right-O!
Can't see this one anywhere else, so..... And apologies, It's somewhat shaggy!! :D
One spring evening, in a country pub, the landlord is wiping glasses and chatting to the locals, when, quite disturbing the general ambience and prevailing silence, a rabbit bounds in and up to the bar. Not a common or garden type; a white one, with a red cravat around his throat.
“A carrot juice and a ham and tomato toasted sandwich please” the rabbit says.
The barman looks quizzically at the bunny; who raises an eyebrow as if to say “Well?” The barman smiles and gives the rabbit his drink and sandwich, which is dispatched with all speed. The rabbit then hops out of the pub.
The following evening, the rabbit is back; same time; same order. “Carrot juice and ham & tomato toasted sandwich please” This time, the regulars sit up and take notice too – passing trade is one thing, a potential dominos partner another thing entirely! The landlord enquires politely about the rabbit, his wife and little rabbits and passes him the order – which is wolfed down as before. The rabbit then hops off. One of the locals nods knowingly to his friends “Oi sin ‘ee. Alice in Wunnerlan’ at the Shaftesbury in Lunnon. Masterful performer, ‘ee! His companions nod sagely. This is not entirely a cultural desert!
Next evening, a repeat – only this time there are a few more bodies in the pub. People from the village, who have not previously encountered a talking bunny in their local, have come to witness the spectacle. “Good evening mine host”. Says the rabbit. “A carrot juice and ham & tomato toasted sandwich please. Busy this evening!” The barman exchanges pleasantries and smiles. Trade has never been so good. “Coming right up sir!” and this time, the sandwich has a little salad garnish on the side. “Most thoughtful” says the bunny, pausing only briefly before devouring the sandwich, downing the juice and hopping off. The assembled audience is most appreciative, and there is a smattering of applause!
Word really begins to spread, and as the performance is repeated on successive evenings, the pub becomes quite the place to be! Trade in other village pubs dwindles; and with the rabbit being a punctual little chap, the landlord is able to sell tickets for each evenings visit, thus!
“Good evening my good fellow. A carrot juice and……” The landlord holds up his hand, smiling for the cameras; no need sir, for a good pub landlord always knows his regulars particulars!” With that, the carrot juice and ham and tomato toasted sandwich is proffered with a flourish. The rabbit nods in appreciation; the assembled crowd roar in appreciation; the deed is done. Mr Bunny wolfs down the sandwich; pausing only to lick his lips and dab his mouth with the napkin – a sign of appreciation, as a finale, he pops the sprig of parsley behind his ear before bounding out. Applause follows him across the bar, and out of the door.
The following evening, punctual as ever, the rabbit returns. “Good evening barman” “Oh, please; call me Bernard; we run an informal establishment here”
“Too kind. Bernard, my friend; the usual please! Again, the pub rings with applause – and this time someone yells “Encore!” A gifted and knowledgeable performer, the rabbit knows only too well that there is a fine line between giving the audience what they want – and leaving them wanting more.
“Very well Bernard! I am particularly ravenous this evening – another ham and tomato toastie if you please.”
“Certainly sir” The sandwich is prepared and handed over with a flourish; “please accept this on the house sir” devoured and, with a gracious wave, the rabbit departs, smiling.
While not repeating the encore every evening; the rabbit once in a while indulges the crowd by having a second sandwich – and the pubs ham and tomato toasties are soon the talk of the county, resulting in untold wealth and recognition for the landlord, until one evening…
“Good evening Bernard, my good man”. By now, there is no need for the rabbit to say anything further, a glass of chilled carrot juice and freshly prepared ham and tomato toasted sandwich appear at his elbow, as if by magic. With a smile and a nod, the rabbit devours the, by now, fabled sandwich combination. With a variation to the script; before the assembled crowd have got beyond the thunderous applause, to the “Encore” stage – the rabbit holds up a paw “Bernard; I would be most grateful if you could prepare me another sandwich please.” The rabbit smiles and winks at the landlord – who does not return the gaze – but looks aghast and more than a little worried.
“I do apologise sir; I fear that I have no more of that rather splendid ham! If I might be so bold, may I offer you an alternative?”
“What do you suggest?” Says the rabbit; a consummate performer, he takes the news in his stride.
“I would suggest, for example, a cheese and onion combination – a fine local cheddar combined with mild onion from my own garden. “ The landlord picks up on the rabbit’s tone, and stresses the alternative to the best of his ability. “You will, naturally, be given the option of having the cheese added before or after that particular side of the sandwich is toasted. The difference there of course, being the texture of the final product.
“Will I like it?” asks the rabbit “
“Yes, I believe so”
“Right then, so be it – and please add the cheese before that particular side of the sandwich is toasted, thereby offering a combination of texture as well as an alternative filling!” The rabbit is in full thespian mode by now!
With more than a small sigh of relief, the landlord departs to prepare the sandwich. He returns, the sandwich plated to perfection, and garnished with love!
“Why, thank you Bernard. Most appetising”. The rabbit devours the sandwich, and as ever, then turns and waves to the adoring crowd as he leaves…….never to be seen again.
Time passes. Some 18 months later, the landlord; sighing as he slouches, elbows on the bar, moves only to pour a drink, one of a mere handful he has poured in the evening, three of which he consumed himself and calls time at the bar. The few remaining locals sup up and leave. As the landlord tidies up, a small white apparition appears before him. It is the rabbit.
“Remember me?” The apparition whispers
“Why, how could I ever forget? You visited my bar one evening, partook of a carrot juice and ham & tomato toasted sandwich – and from that day forward, my life changed for ever! A rabbit – and one with a cravat at that In my pub every evening, for supper! What happened? Where did you go?
“I died” said the rabbit mournfully – a performer unto and beyond the end.
“Pray, what ailed you – you seemed in rude health last I saw you. What did you die from?
“I died from…
“Sigh”!!!
Mixing me toasties”
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2007 7:25:46 GMT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ......
...... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa???"
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2007 9:37:32 GMT
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
|
|
|
Post by ladyh on Jul 23, 2007 11:46:40 GMT
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex. "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively, "yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."
|
|
|
Post by ladyh on Aug 1, 2007 14:00:06 GMT
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store Just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love s3x.
The 2nd floor has wives that love s3x and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
|
|