|
Post by mickthehammer on Apr 27, 2007 8:51:02 GMT
A man wakes up one morning to find his wife cooking. He looks over her shoulder into the pan and sees one of his socks. "What are you doing?" he said. She answered "Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night!". Puzzled he walks away thinking to himself, I don't remember asking her to Cook my Sock.......
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2007 9:21:55 GMT
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Apr 27, 2007 22:57:17 GMT
Don't step on the Ducks !!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
|
|
|
Post by davejones on Apr 30, 2007 20:19:58 GMT
Reincarnation....................
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away!" St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain’t so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting….
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed"
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2007 8:59:50 GMT
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? -- Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in
just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde again!
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 1, 2007 9:07:45 GMT
I got a new job with the Samaritans last week.
Tried to phone in sick this morning and the bastards talked me out of it!!!!!! ;D
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 4, 2007 8:24:55 GMT
A True Australian ghost story
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true (apparently!).
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ...... there's that ******* idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
|
|
|
Post by Kevin Pringle (R.I.P.) on May 4, 2007 10:26:04 GMT
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.
He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the lab's mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.
The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 4, 2007 17:24:49 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Chunky Monkey on May 9, 2007 7:29:08 GMT
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
|
|
|
Post by Sir Jock o The Strap on May 10, 2007 20:29:00 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
|
|
|
Post by Sir Jock o The Strap on May 10, 2007 20:29:57 GMT
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
|
|
|
Post by Sir Jock o The Strap on May 10, 2007 20:31:25 GMT
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple o quid and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
|
|
|
Post by Sir Jock o The Strap on May 10, 2007 20:33:26 GMT
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
|
|
|
Post by Sir Jock o The Strap on May 10, 2007 20:35:24 GMT
A priest goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The priest says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
|
|
|
Post by davejones on May 12, 2007 19:51:53 GMT
Subject: FW: new girlfriend
A man was lying in bed with his gorgeous new girlfriend after their first special night together.
She ran her fingers through his wiry chest hair and stared into his eyes "last night was wonderful, but I have something to tell you...I used to be a hooker....".
"Wow" responds the guy "Thank you for your honesty, but the past is the past. It doesn't matter what you did. In fact I find it quite erotic, tell me about it ...."
"Erm" says the girl "well, my name was Nigel and I played for Northampton"
|
|
|
Post by davejones on May 13, 2007 20:54:21 GMT
Subject: Abbott and Costello on Computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on May 16, 2007 11:33:44 GMT
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story -
Pay your bills
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on May 16, 2007 14:44:13 GMT
4 hours?!! Clearly there is more than one moral to that story!!!
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 16, 2007 15:23:27 GMT
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk. a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk. a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk. a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 16, 2007 15:24:52 GMT
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 30 pounds!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f * cking'skippin' " the Irishman replied!
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 16, 2007 15:30:24 GMT
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together, the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on May 18, 2007 14:52:24 GMT
New boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me? Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert . Shoulda bought a hat."
|
|
|
Post by davejones on May 21, 2007 20:20:03 GMT
Subject: FW: ARE YOU TOO DEPENDENT ON YOUR COMPUTER
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look down, not scroll down, dummy!
|
|
|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 6, 2007 14:21:04 GMT
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " [glow=red,2,300]"ME"![/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2007 8:43:10 GMT
Australian tourist Q&A
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jun 7, 2007 15:06:55 GMT
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are..? (scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!
|
|
Josie
Full Forum Member
Posts: 365
|
Post by Josie on Jun 7, 2007 15:15:12 GMT
Newsflash
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
|
|
|
Post by Colemanator on Jun 7, 2007 15:32:43 GMT
Schoolteacher in a music lesson asks a 14 stone 11 year old, 'what's you favourite musical instrument boy' to which the lad replied,..............'the dinner bell sir' ;D
|
|
|
Post by mickthehammer on Jun 7, 2007 15:33:23 GMT
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said, 'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea. ;D ;D
|
|