Joke of the day

There are two soldiers who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Woohoo!" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right!" says the second. So he goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.

But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying soldier. "What on earth happened?"

With his dying breath the other calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree . . .









.....




.... Its a ham bush!

[davejones]

Claude and Maude

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

[fazza]

It's the way he tells 'em!!!

The amended laws of golf.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

[milhouse]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[milhouse]

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?




One-two, one-two.

The Perfect Life

It would be good to have our life to live backwards.

You start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an Old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby .

And then...



You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday.

And then ..........


you finish off as an orgasm!!!!!

I rest my case.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this is wrong; she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

[fazza]

Isn't it a good job that you are no longer a "reformed character"

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.

'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?', nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.

The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'. The manager was immediately disappointed.

'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day!

Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?

'£101,237.64' said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence!
What in hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod.
Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.

We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat...
Then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'.

The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?'

'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said.........
"Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."'.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-



Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant.

[fazza]

We are not worthy!



...of the current No. 139 in the world

Is that with or without the clerical error?!!!

[fazza]

The only clerical error I know about was when you thought about becoming a vicar. Now that was the joke of the day!!!

God bless you!!! Don't worry. I forgive you...even though you covet my neighbours ass!!!

...............and his Oxon ! ;)

And by the sounds of things - his Jersey too!

[davejones]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while".

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's"

Here is a letter supposedly written by a 96 year old lady

Hope you enjoy

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year woman.

The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times


To whom it may concern, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing my check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit has been in place for 31 years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has recently become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that is an offence under the Postal Act for any person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to 10 pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN Number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the all to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone (if I had one)

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Please credit my account after each occasion. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your humble Client, ( remember this was written by a 96 year old woman)

[petem]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform:

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told His new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash the dishes and do the cooking.

He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day It was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Scouse bird. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to get the house cleaned,get the dishes washed and the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper
gardener....

[milhouse]

Bob receives a free ticket to the cup final from his company. When he gets to the stadium, he realises his seat's in the last row in the corner of the stands, without much of a view.
After wandering around, getting a drink and a burger, Bob notices an empty seat near the half-way line and just 10 rows back from the pitch. He decides to take a chance and walks all the way down, avoiding the decurity guards to snatch the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the bloke next to him "excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "no"
Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob shouts, "this is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?!"
The man replies, "well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Thats really sad" said Bob "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"no" the man replied "they're all at the funeral!"

*Not for Josie's eyes, this one *

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage
several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds
of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come
to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in
Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching
Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at
Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys
B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the
girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they
won't be able to read it, anyway.

[fazza]

You like living dangerously

[davejones]

A Love Story;





I will seek and find you.



I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.



I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.



I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.



I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.



And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.



All my love,

















Signed: The Flu



Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

Sounded like a murderer rather than a lover!!!

[mrmike007]

Just had to be a 007 joke.
M sends James on a mission to Heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day he gets worried and calls Heaven.

The virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking"
M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back.
"Virgin Mary speaking came the response "is James there yet"? asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but waits a few more hours then calls heaven back again.

"hello, Mary speaking......"

[mrmike007]

Sorry couldn't resist posting another one ;D

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive women. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks "is your date running late?".
"No" he replies, "Q has given me this state of the art watch, i was just testing it".
The intrigued women says "a state of the art watch? whats so special about it."
Bond explains "it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".
The lady says, "what's it telling you now?".
Bond: "well, it tells me your not wearing any knickers........."
The woman giggles and replies, well it must be broken because i am wearing knickers".
Bond smirks ;), taps his watch and says"bloody things an hour fast". ;D ;D ;D ;D

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[davejones]

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they saw a gravestone that read:
"Here lies Frank Jacobs, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
One says to the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

Martin Jol is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping…
MJ "Can you manage, love?"
Old Lady: "Up yours Fat Boy, you took the job, you're stuck with it…

Why did Martin Jol go to Argos ...?
It's the only place he could pick up Premier points.