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Post by davejones on Dec 31, 2020 15:43:08 GMT
I was watching a Japanese football match, near the end they started doing martial arts,
I asked what they was doing and was told it's ninjary time.
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Post by davejones on Dec 31, 2020 20:12:32 GMT
Arise Sir Tax Exile.
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Post by davejones on Jan 4, 2021 10:52:02 GMT
I was asked how many Mowtown groups could I name.
I said: `Two .... Three ..... Four Tops'.
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Post by davejones on Jan 4, 2021 20:45:26 GMT
If it snows heavy, does anyone know how many snowmen you're allowed in your garden under current restrictions?
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Post by davejones on Jan 6, 2021 19:57:41 GMT
Just swatting up for my pest controller's exam...
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Post by davejones on Jan 7, 2021 20:34:06 GMT
Climbing up on Capitol Hill I could see the city light Wind was blowing, time stood still Eagle flew out of the night He was something to observe Came in close, I heard a voice Standing stretching every nerve Had to listen had no choice I did not believe the information (I) just had to trust imagination My heart going boom boom boom "Son, " he said "Grab your things, I'm Trump to take you home."
Set to a certain Peter Gabriel tune
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Post by davejones on Jan 7, 2021 21:55:29 GMT
First trip booked for Jan 2021, going to Iceland.
Fingers crossed if that goes well looking at Tesco in Feb and Asda in March.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 8, 2021 8:06:42 GMT
I finally got a girlfriend long enough that I felt confident enough to visit my parents. We used her car and got a flat tyre on the way. Incase they were worried I called them up and said, '' Hi Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh" she sighed. "I thought you were bringing a real one"
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Post by davejones on Jan 9, 2021 20:57:06 GMT
Many people think that Vladimir Putin in a madman and control freak, he is nothing compared to his younger brother Raz.
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Post by davejones on Jan 10, 2021 20:56:09 GMT
Leeds United have called for an immediate replay against Crawley Town in the FA Cup because one of the plumbers in midfield Isn't Corgi registered.
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Post by davejones on Jan 10, 2021 21:06:12 GMT
Dion Dublin commentating on the Marine v Tottenham game must be itching to get over to the terraced houses on pitch side and tell us how he’d rearrange the layout and add an extension
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Post by davejones on Jan 11, 2021 20:07:36 GMT
If Donald Trump is impeached, does that mean he will no longer be orange?
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 12, 2021 12:29:59 GMT
Concerned about food shortages with Brexit and panic buying I've just planted a row of spaghetti in the garden.
If it grows well, I might even make a penne or two out of it.
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Post by davejones on Jan 12, 2021 20:36:13 GMT
Dr Martens to float on stock exchange. Footsie 100?
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 13, 2021 8:17:39 GMT
Last week my doctor told me to run 10 miles per day today im 70 miles from home
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Post by davejones on Jan 13, 2021 11:31:54 GMT
SERIOUS LOCK DOWN ADVICE..I think! But not sure Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home! I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my tea, and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant! In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out! The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon! The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said goodbye 2020. Iwas becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!” We will survive!! Pass it on - gotta keep the humour! 😂😀😷
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 15, 2021 8:55:06 GMT
I once went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...
It was Mordor on the dancefloor...
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Post by davejones on Jan 16, 2021 21:21:44 GMT
I got back from the supermarket and handed my wife the can of peas.
"Canapés!" she said.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 19, 2021 7:25:44 GMT
My G.F has left me over my obsession with the Monkeys . I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face ..😊
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Post by davejones on Jan 19, 2021 20:19:06 GMT
My family are all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though, I know where to draw the line.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 19, 2021 21:29:35 GMT
I was just talking to my next door neighbour who has a chicken. I asked her why every morning one of her hen goes cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, she said its counting her eggs, wow she can count I said, yes she said she's a mathamachicken.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 20, 2021 11:14:46 GMT
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit...
It's a little fit bunny.
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Post by davejones on Jan 20, 2021 20:34:22 GMT
Two vultures. Two hyenas. Two duck-billed platypuses. Two blobfish. Two naked mole-rats. Two proboscis monkeys. Two star-nosed moles. Two California condors. Two warthogs.
There's Noah, counting for taste.
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 21, 2021 19:36:18 GMT
Accidentally drank invisible ink... Now I’m in hospital waiting to be seen.
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Post by davejones on Jan 22, 2021 20:23:27 GMT
Been great to see Liverpool fc adhering to the coronavirus rules by not celebrating any goals in the last few games.
Keep up the good work
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 23, 2021 18:21:36 GMT
Well, I have just deleted Tina Adams and Marge Reynolds from my Facebook.
And they are now sending me messages saying they are upset because I have deleted them.
Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina.
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Post by davejones on Jan 26, 2021 20:38:03 GMT
My neighbour had a female domestic worker in his home. I hadn't seen her in a while, so naturally I inquired...
"How's your housemaid?" I asked.
He thought for a second, then said, "With bricks and cement, like most others."
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Post by bigjimsilverfox on Jan 27, 2021 15:55:04 GMT
Potentially contentious post here, but... There's been a lot of debate about anti-Vaxxers on Facebook lately. I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the anti-Vax camp. There, I've said it!
I have my reasons, like many anti-Vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first hand experience that backs up my stance.
I had a Vax once and it was the noisiest, shittiest vacuum cleaner ever. I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet again and again to pick up the same piece of fluff. I am firmly in the Shark camp, and I will not be told otherwise.
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Post by Chris_Sav on Jan 27, 2021 16:15:31 GMT
Potentially contentious post here, but... There's been a lot of debate about anti-Vaxxers on Facebook lately. I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the anti-Vax camp. There, I've said it! I have my reasons, like many anti-Vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first hand experience that backs up my stance. I had a Vax once and it was the noisiest, shittiest vacuum cleaner ever. I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet again and again to pick up the same piece of fluff. I am firmly in the Shark camp, and I will not be told otherwise.
Just stopped myself in time from pressing the delete and ban key
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Post by davejones on Jan 27, 2021 22:02:32 GMT
Potentially contentious post here, but... There's been a lot of debate about anti-Vaxxers on Facebook lately. I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the anti-Vax camp. There, I've said it! I have my reasons, like many anti-Vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first hand experience that backs up my stance. I had a Vax once and it was the noisiest, shittiest vacuum cleaner ever. I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet again and again to pick up the same piece of fluff. I am firmly in the Shark camp, and I will not be told otherwise. Brilliant. Stolen
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