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Post by Owners' Account on Nov 15, 2006 18:22:44 GMT
How come i'm not in the first division?
I feel a national Tart Contest coming on.....
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2006 18:26:19 GMT
Glenn - just to say that as far as I can make out, any points you have earned in this most prestigious contest have been mainly for playing Air Guitar at Reading. :o :o :o
To be admitted to the Hall of Fame would be quite an accolade, but we need one last entry from Herr van Puebik to publish the Final Table. 8-)
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Post by Q on Nov 15, 2006 18:39:05 GMT
How come i'm not in the first division? I feel a national Tart Contest coming on..... Maybe we could have 'satellite' contests around the country (in Northants ;)) and the winners could compete in a 'Worlds' tournament (in Northants ;)) with a £1,000,000 prize? What do you think Glenn?
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Post by Owners' Account on Nov 15, 2006 19:04:41 GMT
I'm not getting drawn ino this for danger of become a part of this historic thread...
In a few years, I don't want any trace that I was ever alive.....
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 15, 2006 21:04:42 GMT
Telstar Chubb is now in the 1st Div ;D ;D :P
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Post by Q on Nov 16, 2006 15:23:26 GMT
Telstar Chubb is now in the 1st Div ;D ;D :P Should be a MAJOR reduction of points for the Chubbster.... - he's taken away your 'Tart' status from the Distinguished Member. :o
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jel
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ian jellis
Posts: 949
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Post by jel on Nov 16, 2006 16:06:20 GMT
we know he's a big tart, thats all that matters ;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2006 17:18:22 GMT
::) Chubbster wheres your SoH?
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 16, 2006 17:30:18 GMT
Thank you Jel ;D Anyhoo in an effort to work towards a conclusion these are the final league positions prior to the complicated adjustments that will follow when I've had time to work it out :P Tart Division One Mark (Milhouse) Stretford End 53349 pts includes 17420 pts for showing off + extra for showing off in Jersey Chris (Sav) Saville 48309 pts Roo (Bobcat) Hare - 47216 pts Ian (Colemanator) Coleman 43222 pts incl 103 indiscriminate pts for not knowing wot indiscriminate means Clive (Homer PINK cardigan Claire) Thompson 41666 pts Stephen (Fluffy pink slippers) Coleman 27614 pts Bernie (Q) Lawrance 26918 pts Extra points for all sorts of reasons Graham (Sparky) Sparksman 24123 pts Ian (Pink Chalk) Jellis 23434 pts Simon (Trophy Hunter) Coleman 22487 pts Glenn (Telstar) Chubb 21962 pts (seen playing Air Guitar at Reading by Jel) Fazza + Elsie 21925 pts Kevin (Katie) Tunstall 21877 pts Kevin (Popsalot) Pringle 17743 pts Johnny (The ?) George 16621 pts John (Admiral) Birch 11592 pts Jason (Massive2) Neal 11432pts Lizzie (I'm a proper lady) Jellis 9281 pts Barney (paraphrasing) Bear 7876 pts Johnny (Windy) Miller 7585 pts Cunning (Leigh) Gus 7431pts Crown & Anchor (Northampton) table 7429 pts Chris (Lolly) Lawman 6924 pts Margo (sh t) Thompson 6821 pts Tart Division 2 Pauline (Auntie) Withey 6666 pts Jean (Bacardi) Over 6665 pts Keith (Milko whoops) Sheard 6664 pts Gordon ( ) Brett 5874 pts Bee(3 peg)fy 3715 pts Rob (Sneezy) Driver 3665 pts Steve (Heroine) Mariner 3649 pts Paul (Pratnav) Jellis 3647 pts Dave (The Shirt) Evans 2893 pts Charlie (Peelmeister) Peel 2739 pts Vernon (Tart of the day) Sparkes 1830 pts Barry (Twirly for the match) Holt 1755 pts Jock (No CD otherwise known as Richard) Jeffrey 1743 pts Andy (The Toast) Farmer-Wright 1743 pts Chocolate (Chocie ) Tart 1254 pts Steve (Fossiliser) Foster 1248 pts Mike (MrMike007) Holmewood 1236 pts Derek (Evertonian type shirt) Taylor 1201 pts Div 3 Mick (Herr von Puebik) Loake 178 pts Hmm I'm sure I've missed someone :-/ Final adjustments to be made according to Tart rules (printed somewhere earlier and hopefully I'll find them if not I'll make up some more) and award to be presented at the National Tart Knock Out Competition at Bakewell Derbyshire :P
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 16, 2006 17:43:36 GMT
Ah found them on page 4 :D
Just to clarify how points are awarded so people can keep track better please read the following
Crap shots Inappropriate remarks Being Wally of the Month Insulting the 'Kipling' administration Age and level of fitness Randomly awarded points at the administrators discretion Ability to hold a tart-like conversation
The total of the indiscriminate Tart Points awarded during the season will be multiplied by the Tarts age, divided by number of games played and then multiplied by number of brain cells after which an indiscriminate number of points will be added to ascertain final league positions.
Anyone old AND clever immediately become short listed :P
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Post by Q on Nov 16, 2006 18:20:50 GMT
Thank you Jel ;D Anyhoo in an effort to work towards a conclusion these are the final league positions prior to the complicated adjustments that will follow when I've had time to work it out :P Glenn (Telstar) Chubb 21962 pts (seen playing Air Guitar at Reading by Jel)Jack (No CD) Jeffrey 1743 ptsFine Glenn 1,000,000 points for being a spoilsport (to be re-instated if he agrees to be a satellite ;D) Jack Jeffrey???? surely you mean our friend from north of Northants JOCK otherwise known as Richard
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Post by Q on Nov 16, 2006 18:28:15 GMT
Just noticed that Fazza and Elsie are pooling their tart points??? does that mean we're starting a Kipling doubles tournament???
If so I want Tommo as my tartner ;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2006 18:36:14 GMT
This thread goes from strength to strength.
Nice to see Jean and Auntie Pauline straight into a high position in Div 2 and I like Gordon's tits ! Howcome Lolly's above margo by the way - she seems to have the more points.
I can reveal that I was asked by the Chubbster to do a complete summary of this thread and what it's all about, but I will only repeat it all here by popular request.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2006 18:40:08 GMT
All right then, as you asked so nicely............
You ask what is the Kipling thread all about......well, I've had a trawl through pages 1 - 20 for you, which will give a good idea hopefully.
It started as a Northants-only private thing for Burton Cons Exiles. Mick Loake (aka Herr van Puebik - great character if you meet him) set down the framework for earning tart points, which started out thus:
for Crap Shots; for inappropriate remarks; for successfully knocking over black pins; for any criticisms of the administrator of the scheme.
What started out as a stigma for being awarded points soon was seen as an accolade, and extra categories were added :
for spilling you pint or nearly doing it ('beer juggling'); for making bad jokes or puns; for any mention of food.
Being a naturally nosey person, I soon became embroiled in the fun and was warmly received into the Northants bosom. There was then some discussion as to how global they should make it.
After the Colemanators becoming the butt of quite a bit of frivolity, the Final Table for the Summer was published, with Roo Hare being the winner, by a slender margin from Tony Blair. I was awarded an honorary membership.
I made some late nominations of Richard Wooton for his surfing shorts, and Fazza for flirting openly on the Forum with Lorin Clough.
And that's just pages one and two !
From page three onwards, the following sequence of events happened:
Sheep jokes (they play a large part) A competition to find a better nickname for Milhouse KT was nominated for continually winning tournaments Milko got dragged in for making some innuendoes Q put his oar in about innapropriate attire Mario got dragged in Milhouse with his Everton shirt became a prime target More about sheep I tried to put the brakes on as I approached my 1000th post and there was much goading. Kipling Spies were arranged to be posted at major events Sparky got caught up in it all Roo invented a 'Tartometer' A second division had to be formed A young Northants guy had a hilarious golfing accident Nobby the Sheep made his entrance The Crown and Anchor table itself was awarded some points Stuart Mepham got dragged in. Q put loads of pictures of cats up for reasons only known to himself.
Then we all discovered how to post pictures using a host website, and it all took off from there (around page 20)
Herr van Puebik himself made his 500th post to become a Distinguished Tart Member (as Sav insisted) and the rest should be familiar.
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 16, 2006 19:20:07 GMT
Nicely summed up Claire ;D
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Roo "Convoy!!"
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Post by Roo "Convoy!!" on Nov 16, 2006 19:49:08 GMT
:-[ Yep. Nice summary Tommo. I shall miss the Kipling Awards. Always gets me laughing my arse off, which is not an easy task to glue back on.
I think a special award should be made in Bournemouth to HVP for his tireless contributions and continuous management of the Kipling Awards. Recognition as well for the winners. I'll try and flog the Tartometer on EBAY as the site is swamped with tarts (sorry Peelmeister). As for Nobby and friends, I think we will have to put them out to pasture with restraining orders placed upon 'intimate friends'.
PS. If you think HVP will go quietly....think again. The next thread is bound to have Norris McWhirter turning in his grave! ;D
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 17, 2006 11:35:33 GMT
??? Phew done it ::) Final positions have been worked out according to age, number of brain cells and indiscriminate points with hardly any consideration for the points accrued during the season ::) I don't think anyone will be surprised with the announcement ot the winner :P Anyhoo here's how it finished Tart Division One Clive (Homer PINK cardigan Claire) Thompson 6666 pts Chris (Sav) Saville 6345 pts Mark (Milhouse) Stretford End 5945 pts includes for showing off + extra for showing off in Jersey Roo (Bobcat) Hare - 5273 pts Bernie (Q) Lawrance 5119 pts Extra points for all sorts of reasons Ian (Colemanator) Coleman 5108 pts incl 103 indiscriminate pts for not knowing wot indiscriminate means Crown & Anchor (Northampton) table 5063 pts Graham (Sparky) Sparksman 4982 pts Lizzie (I'm a proper lady) Jellis 4897 pts Glenn (Telstar) Chubb 4843 pts (seen playing Air Guitar at Reading by Jel) Stephen (Fluffy pink slippers) Coleman 4758 pts Ian (Pink Chalk) Jellis 4629 pts Simon (Trophy Hunter) Coleman 4627 pts Jason (Massive2) Neal 4623 pts Chris (Lolly) Lawman 4569 pts Kevin (Katie) Tunstall 4412 pts (can't win 'em all ;D) Margo (sh t) Thompson 4411 pts Kevin (Popsalot) Pringle 4409 pts John (Admiral) Birch 4398 pts Cunning (Leigh) Gus 4316 pts Barney (paraphrasing) Bear 3974 pts Johnny (Windy) Miller 3965 pts Johnny (The ?) George 3896 pts Tart Division 2 Pauline (Auntie) Withey 3791 pts Keith (Milko whoops) Sheard 3765 pts Jean (Bacardi) Over 3684 pts Mike (MrMike007) Holmewood 2967 pts Dave (The Shirt) Evans 2643 pts Charlie (Peelmeister) Peel 2618 pts Barry (Twirly for the match) Holt 2476 pts Paul (Pratnav) Jellis 2389 pts Steve (Fossiliser) Foster 2222 pts Vernon (Tart of the day) Sparkes 2186 pts Jock (No CD otherwise known as Richard) Jeffrey 2073 pts Gordon ( ) Brett 2069 pts Bee(3 peg)fy 2065 pts Steve (Heroine) Mariner 1965 pts Rob (Sneezy) Driver 1762 pts Andy (The Toast) Farmer-Wright 1758 pts Chocolate (Chocie ) Tart 1736 pts Derek (Evertonian type shirt) Taylor 1202 pts Div 3 Mick (Herr von Puebik) Loake 17 1/2 pts Mixed Doubles Fazza + Elsie 4755 pts Well done to Claire Clive for being the most persistent Tart :P :P :P :P The Tartmeister has just left the building :-*
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2006 11:47:07 GMT
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! How can I live with myself in the knowledge that I'm the biggest tart in bar billiards ? :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
Some comfort eating now necessary, I'm gonna buy a packet of Cherry Bakewells on my way home today and eat the lot ! >:( ;D
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Roo "Convoy!!"
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Post by Roo "Convoy!!" on Nov 17, 2006 12:27:03 GMT
;D Well done Tommo. Couldn't have happened to a more dedicated TART!! :o
Right HVP, I think tonight we need to discuss our next takeover of the BB Forum. Long live the Tarts :-[
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Post by Chris_Sav on Nov 17, 2006 13:47:29 GMT
Pipped by Claire >:( ;D
So Fazza was right all the time, I am a second rate tart 8-)
Sav
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Post by Colemanator on Nov 17, 2006 14:27:16 GMT
Well done Tommo, you got your just rewards, you certainly tried hard enough to win it, maybe we should have a Tart presentation, maybe at bournemouth, every body bring a tart along for tommo :o
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2006 14:39:11 GMT
Sounds like a Plan, Colemanator.
You just line 'em all up, and I'll ..........er...........eat 'em all. :P :-*
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Post by Q on Nov 17, 2006 14:39:51 GMT
We cant let it end like this.. The season has only just begun, and I STILL think Glenn needs a major reduction ;)
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 17, 2006 14:46:00 GMT
Theres always the Kipling Award 2007 :-X
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jel
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ian jellis
Posts: 949
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Post by jel on Nov 17, 2006 15:57:55 GMT
Well done Tommo, you got your just rewards, you certainly tried hard enough to win it, maybe we should have a Tart presentation, maybe at bournemouth, every body bring a tart along for tommo :o i'll be taking h/v/p along to bornemouth with me. cant bring a much better tart than that ;D
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Post by Herr von Puebik on Nov 17, 2006 16:03:20 GMT
I wos thinking about taking a tart to Bournemouth but the hourly rate makes it a dear weekend :-/
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2006 16:05:34 GMT
Sheep jokes (they play a large part) A competition to find a better nickname for Milhouse KT was nominated for continually winning tournaments Milko got dragged in for making some innuendoes Q put his oar in about innapropriate attire Mario got dragged in Milhouse with his Everton shirt became a prime target More about sheep I tried to put the brakes on as I approached my 1000th post and there was much goading. Kipling Spies were arranged to be posted at major events Sparky got caught up in it all Roo invented a 'Tartometer' A second division had to be formed A young Northants guy had a hilarious golfing accident Nobby the Sheep made his entrance The Crown and Anchor table itself was awarded some points Stuart Mepham got dragged in. Q put loads of pictures of cats up for reasons only known to himself. You forgot my mates cat :'( He started the cat fiasco ::) :)
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Post by Sparky on Nov 17, 2006 16:50:16 GMT
every body bring a tart along for tommo :o I think Margo would take exception to that ;D and Tommo would be exhausted ;D ;D Well tarted m8 8-)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2006 17:17:58 GMT
I wos thinking about taking a tart to Bournemouth but the hourly rate makes it a dear weekend :-/ I thought for one horrible moment you said "Deer weekend" there, Mick. Being as how Bournemouth is in the vicinity of the New Forest. ;D
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Post by Q on Nov 17, 2006 17:57:48 GMT
I want to know what sanctions HVP intends to impose on our illustrious leader for stripping him of his title.Doesnt Glenn look cute ;D
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